Would I kill for a cigarette?
I can't answer that question right now, so maybe we'll come back to it later.
I am almost at the end of my third consecutive day (this year) of not smoking. My thoughts and emotions at this point in time, feel like they are running around in circles inside a completely dark room, screaming & occasionally bumping into each other, or into the wall......accompanied by standing barefoot on a piece of Lego, or kicking their toes on the corner of the coffee table whilst biting their tongues!
There have been many moments in the last 3 days, & I'm sure there'll be MANY more to come, where I have wondered if quitting smoking is really worth it.
When deciding to attempt to quit, I reasoned, (for a brief moment) that not only would it be healthier, ( der!) .... but it may improve my chances of looking better & becoming more attractive to the opposite sex. ( I just threw up a little in my mouth). This was not at the top of my list of motives, but it was on the list somewhere. I realised that craving acceptance and attention from other people was one of the factors that most likely contributed to me smoking in the first place, so that's now OFF the list.
"You'll look better"........well , I don't think I will.
I think I will still look as bad as I think I look now. So unless quitting can alter my self-perception, and convince me that someone telling me I " look great" isn't full of it, and just saying nice things because I look like I might be on the verge of a complete break-down....then , I don't think looking better has anything to do with it. Not only that, I don't seem to care if other people think I look good anymore. I used to, but I think growing older & being through a few incidents where other people have hurt me etc etc, I don't really care if they think I meet whatever standards of appearances some other person made up and decided to brainwash everyone else with. I'm sure I will look a tad healthier, but how that will help me isn't apparent yet.
"You'll have more money".... NO I won't. I will just spend it on other crap I don't need, to try and satisfy some other urge I can't quite name.
I also do not feel better yet, and haven't slept properly for 2 nights. I'll probably get fatter because I've replaced smoking with emo-eating.......
I'm sure in a few weeks time I will feel better, and be sleeping soundly again. I may even decide I do look better......but I'm not holding my breath for that one. I will most likely smell better, and have less headaches. I might live longer to look after my family.......
And it's possible my blogs may be more pleasant to read......
