Wake Up Call

So I'm sitting here, on my couch at 6am.....on a public holiday.....thinking about something I really want to blog, but seriously weighing up the pros & cons of putting this piece of information out there. This 'issue' has caused a bad dream, which in turn has made me wake up in tears.

 I totally get why B headbutts brick walls!

It's not a serious 'issue' - meaning it won't potentially physically harm anyone if I do or do not talk about it ...(except maybe me).

It could possibly have adverse emotional effects on a couple of people I love & care about if I do talk about it, so in that sense, it could become a serious issue if I blog about it. It may not have a huge impact on these people, but do I really want to take that risk? There is a remote chance it could all work out really well, but that usually happens only in the movies. So I really want to talk about this, but there isn't anyone to discuss it with. <That's not a "feel-sorry-for-poor-single-Rachel" line either, it's just the state of things.

Do I just continue to keep ths 'issue' to myself, possibly giving myself more disturbing dreams and a potential ulcer, but saving certain people from possibly being upset? Do I harden the proverbial up and just work it out for myself and/or let it go, getting on with life? Or is this as much an important part of life as anything else? 

Thank goodness it's Easter, and there is a good supply of chocolate within reach.

Withdrawing the Withdrawals.

OK. My last blog was a tad erratic, and I am totally blaming it on nicotine withdrawals.  I thought I would give everyone an update on how my attempt-to-quit-smoking challenge was faring. I will try to get back to normal blogging about other stuff that's way more interesting and funnier than my weaknesses and ridiculous loserish habits.....but I guess it's ok to talk about my meltdowns, because it is my blog.

Today is Day 32 without smoking, and I'm feeling great!

So far I think I'm doing rather well. I've done it  'cold turkey'.........without any turkeys being harmed!  The first 4 days completely sucked, and I think the entire first week is what I'm going to try to recall every single time I think I might want a smoke, because I DO NOT want to go through that again. 

I'm trying not to be too hard on myself about it, because there is a very good chance I will mess up at some stage. I have made it through a few possible "light-up" situations without succumbing, so I'm quite proud of myself.  I did spend a good amount of time trying to mentally prepare myself to stop, and for about 18 months prior, I was hoping for a dose of the flu as a catalyst. It didn't happen...... I am grateful not to have been really sick though!

I still don't think I look better, but I do feel better....so much better that I'm quite happy about the fact that I don't look better, and I'm happy about how I DO look. Does that even make sense? Not really......but I feel better, so it doesn't even matter if I make sense or not. I have put on a bit of weight due to replacing nicotine with as much sugary junk food as I can get my hands on, but I am getting that habit under control aswell......sort of.

...............to be continued.................

Angry? Hell YES!

Would I kill for a cigarette?
I can't answer that question right now, so maybe we'll come back to it later.

I am almost at the end of my third consecutive day (this year) of not smoking. My thoughts and emotions at this point in time, feel like they are running around in circles inside a completely dark room, screaming & occasionally bumping into each other, or into the wall......accompanied by standing barefoot on a piece of Lego, or kicking their toes on the corner of the coffee table whilst biting their tongues!

There have been many moments in the last 3 days, & I'm sure there'll be MANY more to come, where I have wondered if quitting smoking is really worth it.

When deciding to attempt to quit, I reasoned, (for a brief moment) that not only would it be healthier, ( der!) .... but it may improve my chances of looking better & becoming more attractive to the opposite sex. ( I just threw up a little in my mouth). This was not at the top of my list of motives, but it was on the list somewhere. I realised that  craving acceptance and attention from other people was one of the factors that most likely contributed to me smoking in the first place, so that's now OFF the list. 

"You'll look better"........well , I don't think I will.
 I think I will still look as bad as I think I look now. So unless quitting can alter my self-perception, and convince me that someone telling me I " look great" isn't full of it, and just saying nice things because I look like I might be on the verge of a complete break-down....then , I don't think looking better has anything to do with it. Not only that, I don't seem to care if other people think I look good anymore. I used to, but I think growing older & being through a few incidents where other people have hurt me etc etc, I don't really care if they think I meet whatever standards of appearances some other person made up and decided to brainwash everyone else with. I'm sure I will look a tad healthier, but how that will help me isn't apparent yet.

"You'll have more money".... NO I won't. I will just spend it on other crap I don't need, to try and satisfy some other urge I can't quite name.

I also do not feel better yet, and haven't slept properly for 2 nights. I'll probably get fatter because I've replaced smoking with emo-eating.......

 I'm sure in a few weeks time I will feel better, and be sleeping soundly again. I may even decide I do look better......but I'm not holding my breath for that one. I will most likely smell better, and have less headaches. I might live longer to look after my family.......

And it's possible my blogs may be more pleasant to read......

Tasers , Everybody Needs Good Tasers.

Ahhh, Friday afternoon. A time to come home from work, relax, and look forward to 2 days off..............
WRONG!
Well, today, at least, I was wrong. (only for a little while, I'm not usually wrong for very long) 

Although this particular Friday afternoon seemed to be a regular one as I arrived home, it rapidly shifted to a WTFriday afternoon.

While relaxing outside in the shade of the backyard patio, I noticed about 3 people approaching the fence from the house behind mine. When I say I could see "people", I mean the tops of their heads, because that's all I could see given my seated position, the slope of the yards, and the height & structure of the fence. So really, there could've been 3 tallish people and 100 persons of miniature stature for all I know.

Anyway...... a woman poked her nose over the top of the fence and called out "hullo?" to me. After replying "Hi", I approached the fence.

She began to tell me a strange little tale, that I found hard to process at first, and, frankly am still struggling with.

From my worn out, heat-exhausted, Friday afternoon brain, this is what I can recall....

"hullo......I'm real sorry about my nephew trying to break in to your house, he was locked out and couldn't get in, but he is my nephew and sorry if he was breaking in, but your husband yelled out "WHAT ARE YOU UP TO!?" and yeah ....sorry."

Now you can see where the WTF element comes into it.

Naturally, me being...well...me, I just kind of nodded and said "umm, oook, thanks." , which, now that I have had time to reflect, adds another drop of WTF. " Thanks" ????? What??? Thanks for telling me? Thanks that your nephew tried to break in but didn't succeed?? Thanks for moving in and introducing yourself to me this way? Come on Rach....learn to communicate!!

 " ...but he was locked out...." Of course he was! It's not his house!

So anyway, that was that. I walked calmly back inside, locked the door behind me, then proceeded to run madly around the entire house checking all windows & doors, all ok. Then I started on all the valuable stuff...computers, tv's, game consoles, my chocolate stash! Nothing looked as though it had been through an attempted break-in.

Then I started thinking...."...your husband yelled...".....another splash of WTF. Where was this mysterious new husband? An even better question, was he hot? In my confusion of the conversation with The Neighbours, I'd forgotten to get a description of my new man. Dammit!

Another thought then presented itself. Be glad you didn't disclose the true nature of your relationship status, Rachel.....because if they think there is a man living here, and obviously home during the day, then maybe this 'nephew' & his associates will leave you alone. It also occurred to me maybe they were fishing for information about who lives here, just for future reference, so hopefully I didn't give anything away. ( suddenly I can hear a voice in my head calling me Captain Paranoid - you know who you are! :-P )

So there you have it. I didn't call the police, because really, what could I tell them?....." um hi, some weirdos have moved in behind me and have apologised for an attempted break-in of which I can see no signs....yes I live in Morayfield" *click* "hullo, hullo???.........."

Just Do It!

"How do you do it?"... " I don't know how you do it!"

I have heard this many times, and almost as many times, I have never really stopped to think about it. The couple of times I have stopped to think about it, I have never really come up with an awe-inspiring answer.

How do I do what? I guess from what I can figure, generally, people are asking how I 'cope' with being a solo parent with 3 children, 2 of which have been diagnosed with ASD, 1 of those being quite 'low-functioning'. No wait, I REALLY REALLY hate that term! How about we say 'high-maintenance'.....but like Kath Day-Knight says " yes I'm high-maintenance, but I think ya gotta be!"

I'm 99% not offended when people ask me 'how I cope', although one time I was extremely offended and almost used B's headbutting tactic on this STUPID woman living in her own self-proclaimed-perfect bubble, who said to me " how do you put up with That?" as she gestured towards B. But you know the type....straight to A Current Affair with her pending assault charge against the 'out-of-control, tattooed single mother, living the high life on Centrelink benefits, letting her 3 sons run wild through the streets and terrorising honest upper middle-class tax-paying citizens, while she sits at home watching Oprah'. So a headbutt was soooooo not worth it.

How DO I do it? I wish I could give an answer like giving away a secret ingredient in a family recipe, or an answer that will later be published in a best-selling book. But I cannot. I'm still not really sure why people ask me anyway. I don't think it's anything amazingly difficult, my life. It certainly can have it's moments, but I don't think what I deal with is anywhere near the serious stuff some people have to go through. I'm sure everyone has the same feelings and stages in their life, just through a different set of circumstances, and with different characters. Challenges don't seem to discriminate. I see myself as a mother who wants the best for her children. I think it's quite normal...and maybe it is, or maybe it isn't. But who sets the parameters for what's normal? And damned if I'm going to be told that I'm not normal by some mustached freak with a handful of degrees and acronyms after their name, who listens to Justin Beiber, probably likes females 30 years his junior & has waitors fired if his finger bowl doesn't have a slice of lemon from fruit hand-picked by naked Balinese maidens, while he is on the phone to his cross-dressing Ecstacy dealer.


All I can say is I just do it. ......I know....what an anti-climax!

Like A Bandaid On A Hairy Leg , These Are The Days Of My Life.

Hmmm...what to type, what to type?

Ever had one of those moments when you have 500 thoughts swirling around in your brain, a bit like the lotto balls, and you just have to wait (if possible) until they exit your brain in an orderly fashion?
I'm having one of those moments right now. I think I have them more often than not.

I guess when I think about it, I do have a lot to think about...don't you think?

As I mentioned in another blog, the start of the school year is usually somewhat unpleasant. This year though, it seems to have changed. There was, naturally, the same anxiousness the day before the first day back, but the actual first day ran relatively easily without any tears! Ok...maybe one or two from me, but these were tears of relief. I can safely say there will be more tears coming as I type this blog.

My mum has always told me " little kids-little problems, big kids-big problems". I'm not sure if this is 100% true, but I can see where it would be appropriate in certain cases & situations.

This year I have 2 "big kids", one (D) in his final year of school, the other (B) in his penultimate year of school. D will be fine, I'm sure. He is and has always been a great kid who looks like he is becoming a great young man.
B is another story. He definitely is growing into a great young man & is and always has been a great kid aswell, & definitely gets extra credit for overcoming some very difficult challenges in his life so far. All of my kids deserve this extra credit, it hasn't been smooth sailing for all of them no matter how much I've tried to make it so, and yet they continue to shine.
So back to the beautiful B.......while I wish & hope with all my heart and soul that his challenges were over, there are bigger ones to come. Not just for him, but for me aswell. I can't talk about all of them yet, because that would make this a huge blog....and because there are aspects of the future that I'm not ready to talk about at this point in time. They are frightening and run very deep, and maybe this is not the forum to bring these issues to. I swear I will make my head explode by worrying about the future, then there will be a worse mess to clean up beside tears!

What happens when B leaves school? Where will he go? Will he be safe? Will they look after him? What if someone hurts him? Is he happy? Is he scared?

I'm sure this is a normal motherhood issue....and to have a child who is going to remain vulnerable even as an adult is not a new thing, so I'm not saying I'm unique or deserve a medal or sympathy or whatever. I am just trying to make sense of it all, and I find typing about it easier than talking. Plus there isn't anyone here to talk about it to. *ramble ramble ramble*

Right now my mind is at ease about B's daily routine and well-being, because he goes to a great school, which I also happen to work at. School is such a small part of life though, and there is a whole lot of life afterwards. Then there is the part I didn't want to get into, but will just touch on now.....what happens when I can no longer look after him? (arrgghhhh!!! more tears! I'll stop there.)

 Of course there is also J to worry about....but I'm trying not to worry, because he is only just 9 years old, so plenty of time to give myself another ulcer down the track.

I'm sure I will do as I have always done, and just keep going, accepting that there will be good days & bad days, let myself have moments of despair, but then pick myself up again. Cry, laugh.....go a little bit crazy....hide from the big bad world...then come out fighting.......cop the bullshit.....then give it back if called for .Swallow pride & try to ask for help....then do it all over again!

Using-Humour-Mask aside, it's scary as hell, but someone's gotta do it.

In the End , There's Always Celery.

Originally I set this blog up to share stories about living with my two fabulous children on the autism spectrum. At the moment though, I feel the need to have a 'bit of a chat about the weather'. Before I go on though, this is in no way meant to dismiss, offend, or harm in anyway the thousands & thousands of people suffering serious trauma, loss, grief, upheaval and displacement because of these past couple of weeks. My heart, tears, help & anything else I have to give goes out to them.

11/1/11 will not be a date I will forget in a hurry, & not just because of the freaky way it looks when you write/type it. Infact, this whole past week has been somewhat life-altering. I have always been quite sensitive, I guess, to the emotional side of life. Some might say a "bleeding heart"....but to those people who say it with a certain amount of malice, I say ' if you ever get an acquired brain injury after being punched due to being an ignorant arsehole, then it's us bleeding hearts that will be trying to take care of you & wiping your bum so you're not sitting in shit.'

This is the third attempt, in as many days, that I've had a go at typing this particular piece of personal trivia. Partly because I am not sure where to start, & partly because of other factors...like, do I really have a right to be typing anything at all when so many people in the country are suffering?

Who am I really in the scheme of these events to be talking about how this flood has changed things for me? No one of significant importance to the general public. I was not in direct line of the flood waters that have swallowed up 75% of Queensland and now look like they are trying to drown the entire eastern half of Australia. All of my family are safe, they all still have their houses and contents, I still have a job to go to, I am extremely fortunate. So it would appear to a lot of people, that I should be happy with that, and I should shut up! But in my personal experiences so far, no good ever came from keeping every single feeling you have locked away. It has a way of building up and causing cracks...then spilling out when it's least appropriate.

I am not going to claim I've been traumatised by the events of last week....because I don't believe I have. I am going to say though, that I was scared, anxious, confused, saddened, angry, confused again.....and in the end, really really wanting someone to talk to, and tell me I'm not being stupid, selfish, irrational, over-emotional, neurotic, or ridiculous.( these responses have been presented to me on numerous occasions and helped me to develop a sense of self-preservation & withdrawal). You know...."everything is going to be ok."

I am also going to say, that I now have a rebooted perspective & a clearer, or perhaps updated understanding of how the world works, with a bit more information on human behaviour. I'm not going into details, because I'm not here to cause arguments. There are a lot of emotional people out there at the moment, and there is enough to deal with already without me making it worse. Not that I'm expecting this blog to go global...it's not like I'm a Vampire series author.

Let me just add how weird it is to go into a supermarket and watch people have meltdowns because there's no milk or bread...and the only thing left in the fresh produce section is celery...(because no one actually stocks up on celery except maybe supermodels)

I think I will finish this off by saying how grateful I am to have my precious children, family & friends safe. I hope that no-one ever has to go through this again, but for that to happen then our species would need to be extinct....so I'm probably not going to make a wish for that!