Hmmm...what to type, what to type?
Ever had one of those moments when you have 500 thoughts swirling around in your brain, a bit like the lotto balls, and you just have to wait (if possible) until they exit your brain in an orderly fashion?
I'm having one of those moments right now. I think I have them more often than not.
I guess when I think about it, I do have a lot to think about...don't you think?
As I mentioned in another blog, the start of the school year is usually somewhat unpleasant. This year though, it seems to have changed. There was, naturally, the same anxiousness the day before the first day back, but the actual first day ran relatively easily without any tears! Ok...maybe one or two from me, but these were tears of relief. I can safely say there will be more tears coming as I type this blog.
My mum has always told me " little kids-little problems, big kids-big problems". I'm not sure if this is 100% true, but I can see where it would be appropriate in certain cases & situations.
This year I have 2 "big kids", one (D) in his final year of school, the other (B) in his penultimate year of school. D will be fine, I'm sure. He is and has always been a great kid who looks like he is becoming a great young man.
B is another story. He definitely is growing into a great young man & is and always has been a great kid aswell, & definitely gets extra credit for overcoming some very difficult challenges in his life so far. All of my kids deserve this extra credit, it hasn't been smooth sailing for all of them no matter how much I've tried to make it so, and yet they continue to shine.
So back to the beautiful B.......while I wish & hope with all my heart and soul that his challenges were over, there are bigger ones to come. Not just for him, but for me aswell. I can't talk about all of them yet, because that would make this a huge blog....and because there are aspects of the future that I'm not ready to talk about at this point in time. They are frightening and run very deep, and maybe this is not the forum to bring these issues to. I swear I will make my head explode by worrying about the future, then there will be a worse mess to clean up beside tears!
What happens when B leaves school? Where will he go? Will he be safe? Will they look after him? What if someone hurts him? Is he happy? Is he scared?
I'm sure this is a normal motherhood issue....and to have a child who is going to remain vulnerable even as an adult is not a new thing, so I'm not saying I'm unique or deserve a medal or sympathy or whatever. I am just trying to make sense of it all, and I find typing about it easier than talking. Plus there isn't anyone here to talk about it to. *ramble ramble ramble*
Right now my mind is at ease about B's daily routine and well-being, because he goes to a great school, which I also happen to work at. School is such a small part of life though, and there is a whole lot of life afterwards. Then there is the part I didn't want to get into, but will just touch on now.....what happens when I can no longer look after him? (arrgghhhh!!! more tears! I'll stop there.)
Of course there is also J to worry about....but I'm trying not to worry, because he is only just 9 years old, so plenty of time to give myself another ulcer down the track.
I'm sure I will do as I have always done, and just keep going, accepting that there will be good days & bad days, let myself have moments of despair, but then pick myself up again. Cry, laugh.....go a little bit crazy....hide from the big bad world...then come out fighting.......cop the bullshit.....then give it back if called for .Swallow pride & try to ask for help....then do it all over again!
Using-Humour-Mask aside, it's scary as hell, but someone's gotta do it.
No comments:
Post a Comment